After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It's shark week go big or go home
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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