from now on my penis is your penis
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
