Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
