it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
