flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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