My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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