His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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