M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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