My nipple is on Facebook.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
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The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
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Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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