sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
