I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
