An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
