I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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