youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
