For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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