I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
