I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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