I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
