if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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