Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
