My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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