I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
