That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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