I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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