I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
