I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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