Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
