Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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