i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
