My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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