saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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