you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
