I hate all girls vehemently.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
