literally had 100 drinks last night.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
