the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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