Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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