not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Boobs are out for the taking
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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