you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You may now shotgun with the bride
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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