Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
