i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
