I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
