The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
