forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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