Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
