She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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