only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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