Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
