i think i have two assholes
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
