I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Randomize
