woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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