So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
