my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
