i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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