Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
