Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
