I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
