It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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