Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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