i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
