So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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